From the Office of the Prime Minister for the personal attention of Zack Polanski
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
Dear Zack
I thought I might just reach out, to another leading progressive here in the UK, to explore how we might best work together.
First, I’m very sorry that I forgot to invite you to my recent ‘Summit’ on the Social Care system. To be honest, it’s quite a while since I’ve been in Government, and I haven’t quite got used to the Green Party being part of the deal these days!
But I thought it might be helpful for me to map out a few areas which I just don’t think I’m going to have time to focus on. So it would be great if the Green Party could take the lead on these for the next couple of years, and then we can combine forces in that ‘great progressive alliance’ that Neil Lawson is still banging on about at Compass (I guess you know Neil?).
- THE CLIMATE CRISIS
I know how important this is (I really do!), but it’s one of those issues that is more about tomorrow than today – and we have to be seen to be ruthlessly focused on today! I’m going to let Ed Miliband do his thing on the international front (he is Foreign Secretary, after all!), but that really leaves the UK scene to you Greens.
I hope we don’t fall out too badly when I give the green light (see what I did there?!) to both Jackdaw and Rosebank. Don’t worry: we know it won’t make a blind bit of difference either to energy security or to energy bills, but I have to keep the unions on board. Let alone the oil and gas companies themselves, who are already in and out of my office all the time.
My cunning plan is to give them this huge win, and then, in a couple of years, stick some sort of tax on them to make up for it.
2. GAZA
Oh dear! What a mess Starmer has passed on to me!
I’ve obviously seen your inspiring list of the things I should be doing right now, but you know as well as I do that any significant change in Labour’s position would mean that Yvette Cooper (what was she on when she decided to proscribe Palestine action?!) would have to resign. As would David Lammy. And I probably wouldn’t be able to stick Starmer in the Lords either, which I badly need to do to keep him out of the way.
All that would seriously piss off Labour Friends of Israel, of which I’ve been a loyal but slightly detached member for quite a long time.
I know this is disappointing, but I obviously can’t use the word ‘genocide’ even if it is blindingly obvious that BN (you know who I mean!) and all those crazy Zionist extremists were intent on ethnically cleansing Gaza of any Palestinians right from the start.
So, on reflection, I think it’s probably best to leave this one to you as well as the climate crisis. Given that you yourself are Jewish, this does give you an added advantage.
3. WEALTH TAXES
Oh dear, oh dear! Again, we’re probably far closer on this than you might imagine – at least as far as our members are. I think something like 70% of Labour Party members would support your idea (of a 2% tax on people with assets of more than £10 million). But they’re not the ones who have to keep the capital markets at bay!
Again, don’t worry. John Healey and I have agreed to tinker around a bit more – primarily (dare I say it!) so that John can be seen to shift more money into defence. There’s only so much we can do by starving public services over the next couple of years.
4. TAKING WATER COMPANIES INTO PUBLIC OWNERSHIP
Seriously, Zack you should see the estimate that the Treasury has given me for bringing Thames Water back into public ownership – with all the rest of those profiteering water companies to follow over the next few years. It’s eye-watering – just about the only thing that water seems to be available for these days!
So, I’m really not going there. I know I’ll be accused of yet again caving in to the money men – and all those billionaires referred to above, but it just doesn’t fit into my priority of ‘Everyday Fixes’.
So, over to you on this one as well!
Now for the tricky bit! I think it’s really important that this should be a two-way street, which means that you’re going to have to allow me to carve out some equally important areas that I and my whole Government can really focus on.
- BUSES
As you know, this is a big deal for me. I sometimes wonder if I’d be Prime Minister if I hadn’t carried through a few superficial little reforms as regards to the bus network in Manchester.
I want to roll out this revolutionary approach across the entire country, and seriously believe that this will be my important legacy. So, please, don’t come up with any of your more radical thinking on buses – that would be really problematic.
2. RIP-OFF BRITAIN
You’ll have seen that I’m straight onto this, with big new announcements around ticket sales, auto-renewing subscriptions – well, that’s just the start! I’ve asked John Healey to come up with a list of top priorities here. Things like taxi fares in London, for instance – I had to get a black cab when I first arrived from Manchester, and I couldn’t believe what my PA ended up paying!
This stuff chips away at hope – and ‘Hope’ is my middle name!
I know you’d like me to impose rent controls, given that we have more than our fair share of greedy, parasitic landlords here in the UK. I’m sure this will come up quite a bit on my Round Britain Tour, as you do seem to have come up with a popular idea here, Zack. I’ll look at it next year.
3. COST OF LIVING
As you’ll have heard (repeat, repeat, repeat!), we’re going to be a ‘cost-of-living government’ in everything we do. So, capping bus fares was a really big one to get sorted early on, and then VAT on electricity bills – but the money for these things have has to come from somewhere! Rules are rules!
And that even applies to Steely Healey in terms of the vast amounts of money (billions and billions and billions!) wasted by the Ministry of Defence. As he knows very well as a former Defence Secretary.
4. SOCIAL CARE
It’s a shame you weren’t there for my Social Care Summit, as I think you’d have witnessed for yourself my absolute determination to emote more movingly than any of my predecessors have been capable of doing.
We all know we’re not going to be able to afford a National Care System given Steely Healey’s obsession with defence (and the possibility of going after the billionaires), and the impossibility of going after the billionaires), but there’s no other policy area that leaves me with so many opportunities to empathise and that’s what people really seem to like about me — relatability.
I hope you agree we’re off to a good start here.
So, four for you and the Greens, and four for me and Labour!
I think that’s what voters today are looking for: real, meaningful cooperation rather than endless division and polarisation. I think this is going to be the best possible way of defeating Farage – although maybe Count Binface will have sorted that out for us tomorrow. If only!
I very much look forward to your reply, Zack. For the time being, let’s keep this between the two of us, and our close advisors. I don’t want to cause you any embarrassment at the prospect of the two of us being seen to be working much more closely together – but, for me, this is what progressive politics is all about!
Very best wishes
Andy (Newly-appointed Labour Leader)
By Jonathon Porritt 12.8.2026
